When it rains...

....dance.

Our Home Study packet arrived Friday this past week and I haven't even read through it, yet.  The details surrounding Packet II from Love Basket led to two days of completely avoiding all things paper.  We've been slowly working on very basic information, like, our job history for the last 10 years (I am one experienced lady!), our addresses for the last 5 years (also a well-traveled lady!) and a list of our debts and assets (I am not a wealthy lady....also not a poor lady.  But a "just right" kinda lady).

Last night, I sat down to start filling things out.  After requesting a new (emailed) copy of the first three pages of our application (white out just wasn't enough), the process was going rather smoothly.  I marked missing information with post-its, marked lines where Adam needed to sign, and so on.  All was going well, I was following the instructions for the packet (thank you for those!!!) and it came time to read through our contract with Love Basket.  Makes sense.  Share your contact info, promise not to sue anyone, yada yada yada....no problem....until page 6.  Wanna know what's on page 6?  It's a list of agency fees and when each is due.  Wanna know how much those fees are?  Are you sure?.......right around 30,000 Mr. Washingtons.  Hmm.  Alright then.

My train of thought went something like this:
"oh. um. that's more than I thought"
"Well, I just won't mention the $15,000 placement fee that's due within 48 hours of the adoption...I won't say anything until it gets closer."
"Um. that's a lot of money to announce late in the game."
"Maybe Adam will just initial this page with out looking."
"There are dollar signs on this page, of course he's going to look"
"I have to tell him"
"Do I have to tell him?  It's not all due today.  I can have him initial everything and I can tell him after I mail it in"
"I have to tell him"
"Ok.  We can do this.  But first I have to tell him"
"I have to tell him."
"Hey Honey...?  Um, we need to talk for a minute."

[insert exclamation points, deep massaging of the foreheads, new forehead wrinkles neither of us ever knew we had, possibly a small (read: large) fountain of tears (yours truly), and Adam laying flat on the ground-staring (very Ferris of him), and me frantically texting my closest family and friends to confirm the justification of current freak-out moment.]

{9:00pm.  Bedtime?  Sure.}

Around 3:00am I woke up from a nightmare that my husband was having an affair with a woman who was as money savvy as he is, who didn't want children that would cost them $30,000 just to get started, and everyone in the dream knew I was crazy.  Everyone but me.  I woke up angry, breathing through clenched teeth, just before hurting the woman I just mentioned.

Adam: "It's just me.  Hey.  It's okay.  Calm down.  It's just me."
Nic: more tears

Aw sheesh.

So, now it's 6:30.  I've had a full morning with my husband before he left for work, prayed, showered, dressed for the day, put laundry away, took the dog out, had breakfast, started blogging.....and I've done a whole heck of a lot of thinking.

I've worked as a nanny for people who wouldn't bat an eyelash at $30,000...people who spend $200,000 on a car they drive less than 25% of the year.

I am not one of those people.

When I told Adam, "People pay $30,000 for cars.  We've paid that much in down payments for houses."  He replied, "WE buy $10,000 cars and make payments on them.  And now, I wish we hadn't bought two houses because then we could afford this."

We discussed the reality of our situation.  I was scared Adam would say it just wasn't reasonable and we needed to stop for a little bit.  Re-think this.  Maybe try another option.

He did ask about other agencies, but after checking my sources, I realized it wouldn't matter.  Adoption fees have risen the last several years and this is what we are facing.

Before heading to bed, Adam said, "I'm not going to say no.  I just need 24 hours to let it sink in."
"You won't say no?"
"I won't say no"
"That's all I needed to hear.  I love you."

I know I'm going back and forth between last night and this morning, but guess what....my brain is going back and forth like a pinball machine!

I've been reminded by friends, family, and God that we have a support system.  God doesn't call people to do anything for Him that He hasn't already planned out all they way to supplied ammunition.  We may not have the cash for this adoption sitting in the bank today...but God has called us to adopt our first child.  And we will.  And he will provide for us.  We may need to change our way of thinking, of budgeting, of planning...but we can do it.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13
"...if I have faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

I love my baby.  We haven't met yet, but he/she is mine.  I won't stop pursuing my family until it's here.  God has done mighty things.  Bigger things than come up with $30,000.  So He can do this.  I can do this.  Adam and I have been through a lot together, we've grown together, we've built a solid foundation in our marriage...in our partnership for life.  We can conquer anything that we face, as long as we go at it together.  So, here we go.

Step 1: Adam's mom is helping by researching adoption grants and the like
Step 2: I'm taking Packet II to work today and forging ahead (during nap time)
Step 3: We pay the application fee for Packet II and keep going

Trust. and Obey.  I said it in the very very beginning of this...and we'll follow it through to the very end.

I will lay out the details of our fee schedule, along with other "tactical" items tomorrow.  Until then, hug your babies...no matter how old they are, be thankful for them.  Thank God for all you have, for conquering your giants, and for just being Awesome.

Prayers for now:
For God to surround our Birth Parents with peace and comfort through their decision making process, through planning, pregnancy, and delivery.

For peace in our household as we continue the journey we've started

Peace for Adam's mind.  He's our penny pincher, our main provider, and just as type A as I am (even if he won't admit it).  My faith speaks louder than my fear, but my burden is lighter than my husband's.  Prayer for Adam's faith to stand out in this situation, and for all the dots and dollar signs to line up as necessary...to the very last penny....that prayer will strengthen us.

Thank you for sharing our journey.  It's getting bumpy, but it will smooth out soon....and get bumpy again soon....but we know this already.  So, here we go...