Today is a happy day. No matter what. I'm choosing to have a Happy Day. It's a lonely section over in the sad bleacher seats. People don't know what to say, or how to react...so a lot of them kinda disappear. Some days moving out of the sad seats doesn't even seem possible. But other days, like today, it does.
After deciding to sit down and tackle this surprise paperwork, I found an email from our agency with September's update. I'm always a little hesitant to open these and today was no different. Every time I read one of these I feel older. I feel the months of wait piling up on my shoulders while I hope that "one of these babies" will be mine.
One thing I've realized lately is that I've spent the last 9 months hoping to be the exception. And maybe that wasn't the best thing to hope for, but I made that decision with my eyes wide open. Month after month. We were told that the average wait time is a year. Of course, that means that plenty of people DO wait less than a year. I was hoping we would be one of them. But...here we are nine months in and no baby. We've had what seemed like one potential match and that was when the agency called AFTER the mom chose someone else, to say that there was concern about our one bedroom apartment. Concern from a birth mother that her baby wouldn't have a bedroom. Ugh. We had moved already, but our profile book didn't reflect that. Now that our book has been updated...moms can rest easy, knowing their baby *will* have a bed to sleep in (There may be a little sarcasm in that last statement. Maybe). Our book should arrive on our agent's desk this morning if it didn't arrive yesterday. I'm waiting to hear back from her.
I'm getting ready to make a list of all paperwork, appointments, and finances needed for this unexpected "Packet III", as I'm calling it from now on. The "Update" paperwork, that's *actually* a redo. I know the more I push through this "paper pregnancy" the more amazing the end picture will be. Everything about this journey is worth the end result; the family I've pictured since I was eight years old. It's all coming to pass. One day at a time. One form at a time.
Since the August update, half of the birth parents working with LB decided to parent. HALF. This is a reality that has been sinking into my heart this last month. If I went back and counted how many birth parents changed their minds, I'm sure the number would bring me to tears. Tears full of anxiety and heart break. So...I'm not counting. I have full hope that God will bring our baby, who He designed FOR US, into our home. But, that doesn't mean the road will be any smoother than it has been up to this point. Nothing keeps us exempt from the heart break of a birth mother changing her mind. Nothing. All I can do is pray that God equips me with the strength to handle it should I experience this first hand. And continue to pray for our Birth Mother even now. We've prayed since Day 1 that she will have full confidence and peace in her decision to make an adoption plan for her baby. Please continue to stand alongside us in this prayer!
This month shows four new clients. Four babies and 25 couples waiting for them. Half of last months babies were due in January (a year mark for us). Half of this month's babies are due January or later. One is due next month. NEXT MONTH! Can you even imagine? I would be on cloud 9 and never want to come back to earth. But, I now have a tainted hope. My hope is in God and the fact that He follows through with His word. My hope is that my baby will arrive in God's time and I will be fully equipped for the season when it gets here. And still, I hope that Motherhood is truly just around the corner for me...but I know that October isn't realistic. I want to hold onto this baby and this potential. And deep deep down...I am. But on the surface, I'm telling myself not to get too excited about her. But really, who am I kidding? If you've known me for five seconds, you know I've already thought of names for this little girl and prayed over here and felt a teeny teeny tinge of relief that this waiting part of our journey *could* *possibly* all be over in a month. (big sigh)
We shall see. We always see.
Please continue to pray for our Birth Mother. Pray that she has peace about the family she chooses to parent her child. Pray that she and her baby's Birth Father are in agreement regarding placement. Please pray for me as I grow weary and worn on this journey. And pray for peace in our home during this stressful phase in our life. We have our ups and downs. We have felt so much support in all of this; it's amazing. We have made it this far, with so much hope, because of all of you. Because of each other. And because of our faith in one true Almighty God who had the days ordained for us written in His book before either of us came to be.
We love our friends and family more than words can say.