I didnt think this feeling of despair would hit so soon. Waiting on the monthly email update is not sooo bad, but awkwardly calling the agency (like everyone else seems to do, according to our agent's response) makes it worse. They can't tell me anything new. There isn't anything new or else they would have called. They're working on this month's email update. Our profile had not been shown yet because we have yet to match the criteria of searching Birth Parents. That's a shot in the heart. How do I stay hopeful when our book is just sitting there- collecting dust. What a sad phone conversation. That was more disheartening than the expected, "sorry. Nothing new. We will call as soon as we have something to share!" And there's still that tiny spark of hope that the voice on the other line will say, "actually...we were just getting ready to call you." Or, "we've had a Birth Mother look at your profile, but we haven't heard back yet." Really, anything would be better than knowing were just sitting on a shelf, or in a drawer, not even prospects for someone yet. Good grief, God's timing seems sucky. Buying baby stuff is exciting, but it fuels my desire to be holding my baby. And resisting the urge to buy is a fierce reminder that I can't get my hopes too high because I have no idea when my baby will be here.
BIG. FAT. NEGATIVE. All over again. Thats what it feels like. I've already been told too many times, "its the first month...". Well, not really. We tried conceiving on our own a couple different times. And then chose adoption as a next step. This is at least our third time around attempting to be parents. And a "no" from our adoption agent has the same empty, gut wrenching, hollow feeling as a "no" from a home pregnancy test. It doesn't matter which month it is. It's not this month. And that's heartbreaking. This is going to be a long frieking journey. Maybe my adoption counselor was onto something with the idea of staying busy and pretending like I'm not waiting for a phone call. Thank God I have a whole to-do list full of life adventures. I need the first one to get here as quickly as possible. I don't know how much wait I have in me...but I guess we are about to find out.
On a different note, I started my C25K yesterday and loved it! It was 34* outside so I bundled up in fleece and went on my way. I am officially not a wimpy kid! I'm excited for my next run this week and not-so-looking forward to working out in between running days. That part makes me sore ;)
I'm out of writing frenzy. More to come at a happier time on a different day.
Please keep praying! And thank you for your support!