Take a seat...it's gonn' be awhile...
We're down to two January babies.
I went through a couple of weeks feeling really down about everything adoption and baby. It was probably the worst two weeks so far and only close to one other experience when we first started trying to conceive. The difference is that the first time, no one knew what I was dealing with. There are ups and downs to both options....but I can't imagine having chosen to pursue adoption quietly. I chose to shout it from the rooftops and I'm so very glad I did! Our bubble of support is bigger than I could have imagined. And knowing how many people are following our journey makes me keep my head up. It makes me blog through the tough times when I just want to put a blanket over my head. And it reminds me of God's love. I've never been alone in this process. Ever. Sure, I've had my share of stupid questions to answer (yes...there are stupid questions-mostly from strangers) but even then...I remember I'm not alone.
Last Sunday Adam had to work. Usually, I would take full advantage of this and sleep in. Now that I stay home full time (and preeettty much sleep in on a daily basis) I figured I should probably go to church. I also knew I needed it. And surprisingly, I was really excited to go alone. It's been awhile since I met Jesus at church all by myself. I even sat by myself (partially because I might have been a minute (read:5) late, and partially because I just wanted to be with Jesus by myself). During worship, I was praying for a friend who is currently in ICU after her house caught fire last Saturday while she was inside and trapped upstairs. While praying for her, I kept getting distracted by baby stuff. So I told God I was giving it all to Him. I didn't want to be consumed with baby stuff anymore. It was too much and I was too sad and with K in her condition, I just couldn't take anymore. And you know what happened? He spoke to me. Our sovereign Lord spoke directly to my heart. He said, "Get ready. She's coming." I think I physically took a step back and opened my eyes. I started a million questions in my head, "she's coming...K is coming back and going to be okay? My baby's coming? Which one?! She! She like our birth mother? Is our baby a girl? Or K? K is a 'she' too..." in the middle of this hyperactive response I was having, I felt a physical weight-like huge, huge arms wrapped around me, literally almost hard to breathe. It overtook my shoulders, around my chest and my heart. And God said again, "Get ready. You're baby is coming." So of course, I started bawling my eyes out. I questioned whether or not I was making it all up on my own. Before the thought was even complete, God reminded me of the time He told me my mom was pregnant with twins, the day of her sonogram appointment showing one heartbeat (all that was expected). He reminded me of the day I knew Adam was going to be my husband. And He reminded me of this time last Summer when He told me it was time to pursue adoption. And then my doubt went away. Because every time God has spoken to me. Every.time. The physical sensation comes with it. He's so clear and I'm so surrounded that I can't doubt it anymore. So, I kept crying.
I held it together for the message (which was really good!) Then I went home and shared my experience with two very close friends and later with Adam when He got home. Then I shared it with two more close friends.
And this. This is one of the reasons I love Him so much: He didn't question me. He didn't come up with other possibilities. He didn't doubt for even half a second. He said, "Well, then we better get ready." And he said, "if it's a girl, we need a name. We don't have a girl name picked out." And then I said, "well, yes. But "she" can still mean the birth mother. And we also need a crib. And we need other things that cost money." And he said, (get ready for this) Adam said, "Let's do it. We need to do it eventually. We saved for it. Let's get it done." And then I made that girly swooney face and sighed and told him I loved him after asking at least four times if he meant what he was saying and if he realized what he was saying.
We went crib shopping and ended up ditching our first idea from 6 months ago and finding something online. This was after at least three different stores in person, one of which included an episode where Adam said yes to a crib that was 3x our normal budget because HE got all sappy and googly eyed over baby things. And then I sad No. I SAID NO. Who are we?! .:shakin' my head..
And then the next day, he surprised me again. "Maybe you should go see K. She would love to know you were there for her." I questioned the money for a trip while buying all this baby stuff and he said (yeah...again) "we'll be fine. You need to go, she needs you, E (her twin sister) needs you. Go. This is why you stay home. We want you to be able to do stuff like this, just go. And give her a hug for me. Give them both a hug for me." And so I went.
On my way to Iowa City to visit K, I received an email from Love Basket. September Baby was matched with another family. Sad. Sad sad email on the road for a sad sad trip. I told myself I would process it later because I can't do it all at once. And I remembered God promise. "Get ready. She's coming." Apparently, "she" wasn't September Baby. But it's going to be okay. So I put September Baby on a shelf to grieve over later.
As soon as I made it to the hospital to see K, her mom came running out with good news about her condition and said, "Come quick! She knows you're coming!" When I walked in, I greeted her family, and I tearfully said hi to K. Then her mom said, "Tell her about the adoption! Tell her about your baby. K, she wants to talk to you about getting a baby. You're so excited for her and Adam to have a baby!" So, I choked back tears and updated K and her mom on my church service experience and my email. I felt so incredibly selfish and told her so. I didn't want to talk or cry about my own troubles when her daughter was in such terribly sad conditions in the hospital after a tragic accident at home. But, K's mom said she wanted to hear good things. And she held my hand, told the others in the room to pray with her, and she prayed for me. She prayed for our family, for our baby to come soon, and for other things I don't remember because I was o.ver.whelmed by her unselfish UNSELFISH love. I'm in a mess of tears as I type this because I still can't believe how quick she was to drop her problems, in the middle of them! and pray for my family. Remarkable. I want to be like K's mom when I grow up.
Once I came home from visiting K, I had a new perspective. Between the promise God gave me and my friends accident, I knew things would be different. I reminded myself that it's okay to be sad and okay to grieve, but I have so very much to be thankful for. I have life ALL around me! I have family who love me and friends who love me just as much. I'm done being sad about NOT having my baby. Sure, a sadness may come again...but it's over for now. I'm rejoicing in God's promises. I'm thankful for what I have already.
And then I received an email. This time it was the agency offering suggestions about our profile book. A birth mom viewed our book and asked about us being in a one bedroom apartment. Her counselor was told to ASSURE her we are now in a two bedroom home and I'm not working anymore. I wasn't told whether or not this mom was someone currently looking or if she was September Baby's mom. That's something I really wish I knew. But, I would probably kick myself if she were the latter. Anyway, our agency made a few suggestions on updates and included that stay at home mom's are very attractive during the selection process. The fact that I'm already home shows how ready we are.
So...we're getting ready. Again.
We bought our crib that night.
I went crazy putting plans together for a nursery.
Our guest room/sewing room has been gutted out.
The closet has been gutted out.
I made plans, with a friend, to make all things fabric related for the nursery.
I spent an insane amount of time at the fabric store with my head spinning.
Friend, A, came to the rescue and picked out the cutest stuff and hauled it all away.
She also made me put some things back because I was incredibly ambitious about how much the two of us can sew in just a few days.
I've spent the last 24 hours working on my nursery. I'm excited to keep going tomorrow. Once it's photo ready, I'll update our profile book. Then we print those new pages and send them to LB who will send them to our three states (Missouri, Kentucky, Minnesota) to be swapped out with old pages in our book(s). And then....well, then hopefully that means Baby comes!
We shall see...
OH! And p.s. All counseling we've been given regarding our adoption was to wait on setting up a nursery. I would officially like to say that some professional counselors, though very wise, can be very off their rocker! This is the most fun thing I've done since my wedding! And a friend told me she did the same thing. She prepped before her adopted baby was on the way and she used the room as a place to pray. She took care in inviting Jesus into her baby's room before her baby went in. And you know what? I plan to do the exact same thing. I can't wait for Day 1!
Thank you for praying. Thank you for supporting us. Please keep praying for our birth mother to feel peace with her decision. Pray for unity in an adoption choice between our birth mother and birth father. Please continue to pray for peace in our home while we wait. And please say a special prayer for K who is in desperate need of a miracle.