There's a maturity that's found in unconditional love, in a marriage that's remained unbroken. As Adam and I have grown together, I've seen our marriage mature. I've watched our love grow into something far more seasoned than flittering first dates and first kisses. I know we have a long way to go and are still young. I'm not saying, by any means, that we have "arrived". I don't believe love ever "arrives", but either grows or dies.
This journey has tested my faith. I would be lying if I said I haven't doubted that God even exists. And I know more than I know that I'm breathing, that He does. I know He has a plan. I just can't see it all.
A few weeks ago, I learned a new fact about caterpillars and butterflies. Science lends us the opportunity to listen to the sounds of a caterpillar inside its cocoon. Studies have proven those sounds to be of pain and agony. Not of rest and serenity as I've always imagined.
I can feel God changing me. I've had many moments in my life where I've stopped and thought, "This is it. This is the end of this road. I'm growing up and I'm moving on." Every time I feel it, it's the same. And it's happening again. I can feel maturity in my friendships. I can feel it in my family. I can feel it in my marriage. I have no idea what's coming next. And I'm not saying I know a baby is coming tomorrow. Because I don't. And in a way...this has nothing to do with when a Baby will join our family. But I feel like a caterpillar. I've been in pain. In darkness. And really...all the while...wrapped so very tightly and held safely. But the agony has overpowered the sense of snug, warm protection. But some days, and more days now than I've had in awhile, there seems to be a ray of light that shines in...even if only for a moment. But each day, I find something new that doesn't make this any easier, but helps me endure another day. I don't know who God is making me. But I know he's changing me. And I don't know what our family will look like one day, or how it will all come together, but I know we will have a family.
I have no clue when I will finally meet and hold my sweet baby. But I know that when I do, it will all be the way God designed it long before I was ever here myself.
Christmas this year has been hard for me. It's been a season to endure. I've had to celebrate on purpose and find joy in the season. I've never had to work so hard to be in the mood for a holiday and it's been an interesting experience. As the day draws closer, though, I'm able to focus more on Jesus and the celebration that He is here, and the reminder that God is in control of my life and the entire universe. I may not be in the mood for trees and lights and cookies and Christmas movies...but the heart of the season is still something I'm celebrating in my own life, in my own way. Maybe even appreciating a little more. This year Christmas is a season of believing what I can't see and holding onto what I know is Truth. No matter what.
And because I can't close this post without doing so, I want to remind myself, my husband, and anyone else on our journey, that I have a husband who loves me more than anyone else in my life. I have a husband who has shown me unconditional love, patience, and pure joy. I can't imagine being on this journey with anyone else and I love him as much as I feel loved...maybe even more than that. ;) Adam, you're my best friend. I'm honored to be your wife.
Thank you for praying for us. Please continue to do so. Please continue prayers for our Birth Mother, whoever she is, that she has peace in her heart while making an adoption plan and that our Birth Father does as well. Pray for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. And as always, please continue to pray for peace in our home while we walk this path together and face new challenges. We love our friends and family and are blessed to have so many of you on this journey with us.
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