Saturday, March 15, 2014

Seven Years in the Desert. Check.

Our adoption paperwork put us on hold almost three months ago, right before Christmas.  We were crushed.  We knew God had a plan, but that didn't make the pain any less excruciating and certainly didn't keep the holidays from being the darkest I've ever experienced.  I'm the girl who put her Christmas tree up the week of Halloween our first year married....and on Thanksgiving every year after that.  Last year we didn't have one at all. I cried more days than not.  But this year.  This year will be an entirely new experience.  As vaguely mentioned, in our last post, we sought out the guidance of a Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka fertility doctor).  Dr. Meghan has been amazing and was the best fit for us in the medical world.  From my first meeting with her, I knew she would be good to us.  Through heartbreaking test results and into each infertility procedure, she was an Godsend. Our first cycle didn't work.  I was ready to give up.  I wanted to undo the nursery and rid myself of the reminder.  I was making plans for the rest of my life and teaching myself to be content without babies, without children or grandchildren.  The grandchildren part made me cringe.  I didn't want to go through two generations of heartbreak, but I didn't know how much longer I could keep up with our current way of life.  

Adoption paperwork came back after the first "miss".  We wondered if God was just taking us on a random joy ride...that wasn't so joyful.  After deciding to move forward with finishing our Home Study update, our local agent went out of town.  She conveniently seems to go out of town for two weeks right when we need paperwork to meet a deadline.  While she was out, we went into the RE for cycle number two.  We knew we couldn't pursue adoption and infertility treatment at the same time.  Our adoption counselor warned us that we were treading a fine line...but as long as the Home Study wasn't in the hands of LB, we were technically only on one road.  She was an amazing support, she has been since I found her in August 2012.  

While our agent was on vacation, we endured our second "two week wait".  This was the time between our procedure and the day we could take a pregnancy test.  Our test was taken at 5am because a positive meant an immediate trip to the RE for a blood draw to confirm.  They only do these appointments between 7 and 9 with an emphasis on the 7.  So...I took my test.

Adam was still in bed, waiting for my phone timer to go off.  For the record, last month that timer was set for 10 minutes.  God gave us grace this time...the instructions (on the same kind of test) said only three minutes.  Longest. three. minutes...ofmylife. No line.  Damn it. (enter Baby Mama scene of Tina Fey in the bathroom by the mirror, surrounded by optimistic notes about getting pregnant and "this is is!", Tina drops negative test in trash can, head down, kicks the can and leaves the bathroom.  My heart sinks every.time. I see that scene.)  Wait.  THIS picture on the instructions says positive..."Adam (ever so cautiously)....I think it's positive."  He comes into the bathroom, puts on his "boss" face ("I got this....") and looks at the test.  Then looks at the instructions.  Then looks at the test.  "Just kidding." I say.  "I looked at the pictures wrong....this matches's negative. Why can't we read picture instructions?!"  To which Adam says, "but it looks does look like that one..." Me: "WAIT! Do you see that? I'm not making this up.  That's a pink line!  That a vertical pink line!!! "ANY vertical line is a positive.  It may be very faint." I read aloud.  Adam gets closer to the test...his boss face fading.  "I mean. Maybe.  But's barely there!  This would make you crazy!" " DOES make women crazy!  I took 7 last month. But I've NEVER seen a line.  Never." Adam says, "I think that's a line.  That might be a line.  Now what?" "Well, now we call the 7 when they open." Adam: "I think that's a line." Me: "It's a line!!! It's a line.  It's invisible...but it's a line." No one gets excited.  We know we see it.  But we know how badly we WANT to see it.  So I hop in the shower and we get ready for our visit to the doctor.  Here's the test.  Tell me this wouldn't make you crazy. I'll even give you a giant sized photo:
So we head to the doctor.  They draw blood, send me home, and I go to my friend A's house with my test.  No validation from the Dr. yet.  A answers the door and I say, "Game over." hand her my test and relief immediately washes over her face.  She gives me the best hug I've had in my life from a friend and hasn't even looked at the test yet.  Once the tears are wiped away, she looks at it in her dark kitchen by the back door and says, "I SEE IT!  EVEN IN THE DARK, I CAN SEE IT! YOU'RE HAVING A BABY!"  We celebrate like little girls and tell her little boy, who joins in.  Then it was on to the phone calls and announcements for our parents and my lifeline/support group/mommy chain.  Meanwhile, I'm chomping at the bit hoping I don't have to call them all back if the doctor ever calls...and gives bad news.

FINALLY at 3pm (I went in at SEVEN!), the nurse calls and confirms our fabulous news.  "It's a good, strong positive.  You are pregnant!"  Oh good, because I told half the world while I was waiting on you.  

I confirmed with Adam who celebrated briefly at work with a coworker who heard our phone conversation.

Once we both made it home at the end of the day, (Thank you A for letting me crash in your living room all day to make phone calls and to celebrate with you in between announcements and for helping me come up with all the ways to tell everyone!!! You and O are the best!) I walked into the bedroom and Adam was sitting in the floor.  He had showered after work, but that was as far as he made it.  We never really hang out in our bedroom floor so I sat next to him and asked what he was thinking about. "I don't know." And then we sat.  And stared. For about 20 minutes.  Finally, Adam says, "I think we're supposed to do something." "I don't know what to do.  What should we do?" "Well, I'm hungry.  We could eat." "That's a good idea.  Something normal.  Let's eat and then we can figure out what to do next." And then we sat.  And stared.  For about 15 minutes until Adam said, "I think we're supposed to do something." and I said, "Ok. We said we were gonna eat.  Let's go eat." So we decide to go out to celebrate and then come home.  And we sat.  And stared.  This went on for two days.  Sit. Stare. Eat. Work. Sit. Stare. Sleep. Repeat.  I made more phone calls on Friday and spent the day doing absolutely nothing productive and ate maybe half a meal all day because I was stuck in the chair.  Just sitting.  And staring.  And answering excited text messages and phone calls, mostly from all the same people who were told on Wednesday.

Enter Saturday.  7:20am.  I'm up with no alarm and Adam has been working for two hours already, in the dining room.  "Good morning, honey...I think we should just tell everybody." Adam:"shouldn't we...wait? Until it's more official?" Me: "It's as official as it's gonna get.  SO many people have been waiting with us, I want to share it.  If anything is going to happen, we will need every bit of support we can get.  But hopefully, nothing happens and we can all celebrate together that much longer.  I can't keep it in anymore."  Adam: "you can do whatever you want.  You have a good point.  Let's make a list so we don't forget anyone."  So I made our list and worked my way down from 7:30-11:30.  I finally stopped, made sure all family knew, and told Adam, "it's going on Facebook.  I'll be on the phone all day if I call everyone." So there you have it.  It's on Facebook.  So it's official. (oy...facebook...):

 "And then there were three...."