Monday, October 7, 2013

Holding Vapor in the Cup of My Hand

It's been a busy couple of weeks with babies back to back to back. October Baby wasn't ours. Her birth mother chose another family and I needed some time to soak that in. I don't have it in me to process in words even now. But, what I can get out, I will. While I grieve each missed opportunity, October Baby stands alongside one other baby in this journey. The two I've hoped for the most. I couldn't even put my finger on specific reasons for each necessarily, buts it just how our story has played out. I still picture (my own imagined version of) October Baby joining our family. I have to remind myself that the wait for her is over. There's no more hoping for her.  She's not mine. But if I could go back, if there was something I could do to change that-I would do it. 

We had a birth mother look at us just days after October Baby was matched. That mother was due in December and she didn't choose us either. 

Right now, we're on day 6 of waiting on yet another birth mom. She is in Minnesota, pregnant with a baby boy due at the end of this month. We have no idea how long she will take to choose and, as usual with our agency, she doesn't have a limited time. 

After the wait for October Baby, I had a great conversation with our agent. Here's a little of what I've learned: We show really well. Birth Moms like our book and they like us; that's comforting and hopeful. We talked about a lot more but my mind is too jumbled right now to even recall or begin to sort all of it out. But, here's what I remember most. Three different times, THREE! We have been a birth mom's second choice. And one of those mothers was carrying October Baby. 

While knowing we've been so close so many times is comforting, I'm fighting a lot of negative emotions at the same time. I can't help but feel like I failed. Like October Baby could have been ours if we had prayed just a little harder, or hoped just a little more. I'm trying desperately to understand and grasp just what faith and hope can do and how they work. I've had several moments of understanding. And then, just like that...those understandings slip away and I can't quite grasp how all of this is just and fair and God's plan and going the way it should. 

It's all really hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. Adam and I have made some of our life's biggest decisions during this past year. I'm hoping on all hope that it's only making us stronger. But there are days it feels far from that even being possible. We do our best to deal one day at a time. And while opposites attract, they can make for difficult conversations and decisions when it's time to do so. We love each other. And we have the same goal. We want the same thing. And we have built our marriage on the same God. Those are the truths we hang on to.  

I'm tired. I'm worn. I'm longing to hold my baby in my arms and feel like I'm finally done fighting and trying and hoping. I'm tired of being disappointed and heart broken. 

I have thoughts about this whole process I don't want to say out loud because I can't take them back. I have feelings that I can't quite identify and fears I cant explain. And then I have hope in a God who is bigger than I can imagine. And I have an anger toward Him that I know is pointless. And then all at once, I have a peace in Him that doesn't make any sense at all. 

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