We had a birth mother look at us
just days after October Baby was matched. That mother was due in
December and she didn't choose us either.
Right
now, we're on day 6 of waiting on yet another birth mom. She is in
Minnesota, pregnant with a baby boy due at the end of this month. We
have no idea how long she will take to choose and, as usual with our
agency, she doesn't have a limited time.
After
the wait for October Baby, I had a great conversation with our agent.
Here's a little of what I've learned: We show really well. Birth
Moms like our book and they like us; that's comforting and hopeful. We
talked about a lot more but my mind is too jumbled right now to even
recall or begin to sort all of it out. But, here's what I remember most.
Three different times, THREE! We have been a birth mom's second choice.
And one of those mothers was carrying October Baby.
While
knowing we've been so close so many times is comforting, I'm fighting a
lot of negative emotions at the same time. I can't help but feel like I
failed. Like October Baby could have been ours if we had prayed just a
little harder, or hoped just a little more. I'm trying desperately to
understand and grasp just what faith and hope can do and how they work.
I've had several moments of understanding. And then, just like
that...those understandings slip away and I can't quite grasp how all of
this is just and fair and God's plan and going the way it should.
It's
all really hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. Adam
and I have made some of our life's biggest decisions during this past
year. I'm hoping on all hope that it's only making us stronger. But
there are days it feels far from that even being possible. We do our
best to deal one day at a time. And while opposites attract, they can
make for difficult conversations and decisions when it's time to do so.
We love each other. And we have the same goal. We want the same thing.
And we have built our marriage on the same God. Those are the truths we
hang on to.
I'm tired. I'm
worn. I'm longing to hold my baby in my arms and feel like I'm finally
done fighting and trying and hoping. I'm tired of being disappointed and
heart broken.
I have thoughts
about this whole process I don't want to say out loud because I can't
take them back. I have feelings that I can't quite identify and fears I
cant explain. And then I have hope in a God who is bigger than I can
imagine. And I have an anger toward Him that I know is pointless. And
then all at once, I have a peace in Him that doesn't make any sense at
all.
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