Holding Vapor in the Cup of My Hand

It's been a busy couple of weeks with babies back to back to back. October Baby wasn't ours. Her birth mother chose another family and I needed some time to soak that in. I don't have it in me to process in words even now. But, what I can get out, I will. While I grieve each missed opportunity, October Baby stands alongside one other baby in this journey. The two I've hoped for the most. I couldn't even put my finger on specific reasons for each necessarily, buts it just how our story has played out. I still picture (my own imagined version of) October Baby joining our family. I have to remind myself that the wait for her is over. There's no more hoping for her.  She's not mine. But if I could go back, if there was something I could do to change that-I would do it. 

We had a birth mother look at us just days after October Baby was matched. That mother was due in December and she didn't choose us either. 

Right now, we're on day 6 of waiting on yet another birth mom. She is in Minnesota, pregnant with a baby boy due at the end of this month. We have no idea how long she will take to choose and, as usual with our agency, she doesn't have a limited time. 

After the wait for October Baby, I had a great conversation with our agent. Here's a little of what I've learned: We show really well. Birth Moms like our book and they like us; that's comforting and hopeful. We talked about a lot more but my mind is too jumbled right now to even recall or begin to sort all of it out. But, here's what I remember most. Three different times, THREE! We have been a birth mom's second choice. And one of those mothers was carrying October Baby. 

While knowing we've been so close so many times is comforting, I'm fighting a lot of negative emotions at the same time. I can't help but feel like I failed. Like October Baby could have been ours if we had prayed just a little harder, or hoped just a little more. I'm trying desperately to understand and grasp just what faith and hope can do and how they work. I've had several moments of understanding. And then, just like that...those understandings slip away and I can't quite grasp how all of this is just and fair and God's plan and going the way it should. 

It's all really hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. Adam and I have made some of our life's biggest decisions during this past year. I'm hoping on all hope that it's only making us stronger. But there are days it feels far from that even being possible. We do our best to deal one day at a time. And while opposites attract, they can make for difficult conversations and decisions when it's time to do so. We love each other. And we have the same goal. We want the same thing. And we have built our marriage on the same God. Those are the truths we hang on to.  

I'm tired. I'm worn. I'm longing to hold my baby in my arms and feel like I'm finally done fighting and trying and hoping. I'm tired of being disappointed and heart broken. 

I have thoughts about this whole process I don't want to say out loud because I can't take them back. I have feelings that I can't quite identify and fears I cant explain. And then I have hope in a God who is bigger than I can imagine. And I have an anger toward Him that I know is pointless. And then all at once, I have a peace in Him that doesn't make any sense at all. 

"I have an idea..."

"I have an idea..."

That's what the little notification bubble on my phone read last night when I picked it up from the other room to plug in it before bed.  A friend had texted me to share an idea, an idea that I thought was fantastic.  So, I'm about to be "that" girl, maybe, and say something a little bit crazy.  But what Mom do YOU know...who isn't just a little bit crazy?

I have a LOT of faith in God regarding this baby girl due in October.  And the Bible says that all I need, is a little.  Every single moment that doubt says she might not be mine, is countered by scripture I read, prayers I pray, and memories God brings to mind of Him being there for me and walking through life with me.  I have no idea how I will deal or what I will say if this birth mom doesn't choose us, because every time I start to wonder...I'm stopped dead in my tracks and every part of me hears, "Get ready.  She's coming."  How do you NOT listen to that?!  I'm not preparing for the "what-if".  I'm not opening up the thoughts of disappointment.  I refuse to do so.  I've boldly asked for this baby every single day since I learned about her.  I've spoken to my friends and asked them to pray *specifically* for this baby to be ours.  I've brought it here, to everyone's attention, and asked all of our friends and family to join us in asking God for THIS baby girl.  And I won't stop.

My friend's text from last night said this:
"Okay I have a thought...send out a group text that we all stop whatever we are doing and go into prayer specifically for October baby.  All together.  On bended knee.  Each by ourselves, but still at the same time.  'When two or more are gathered in my name...'  What are you thoughts??"

1. This friend lives in another state, so she was asking, truly, about gathering together but separately.
2. I'm beyond blessed to have people like this in my life, invested in our family.
3. I LOVE this idea.
4. The rest of that verse, when two or more are gathered in my name, says, "there I am in the midst of them."

So.  Here's my proposal.  Tonight. 8pm CST.  If you're reading this, and you want to stand with me and Adam in prayer for our family, take a minute- or more if you wish, and ask God to bless us with THIS baby girl due in October.  She doesn't have a name.  We don't know Mom's name.  BUT we know God's name and it is in HIS name that we pray.  He knows who we are.  He knows our hearts.  He knows exactly who "October Baby" is.  And when I pray for her, that's who I pray for.  I ask God "for THIS October Baby."  Adam and I will be joined together in prayer this evening.  Anyone who would like to pray with us, is invited to join us in asking Jesus to go to the Father on our behalf (John 14:16-if Jesus can go to the Father on our behalf and ask for the Holy Spirit to be sent to earth, He can go to the Father and ask for a child to have this specific home).  We are asking that God choose US to parent October Baby.  We are asking that he cover her Birth Mother with peace and all that she is looking for when looking through our book.  That's it.  We aren't asking for anything bigger than that.  Simply to be chosen, to be blessed with THIS child, and to have THIS opportunity to be parents and to teach her how to love others the way Jesus loves us.

Will you join us? 

This is it!

Our profile will be shown this week. October baby's mother will be given a stack of them today. The LB agent in charge of match notifications will be on vacation all week. So, if this birth mother chooses a family this week, no one will receive word until next Monday. However, she may take longer than a week to make her decision. 

Please join us in prayer today. We are asking God for THIS baby. We are asking God to give this birth mother whatever sign or comfort she is looking for-when she views our book. We are asking for peace to cover her while she chooses a family for her baby and we are asking for peace in our household while we wait. 

Thank you for walking with us!  Here goes faith!

Changing Direction...

During this little rough patch I've been in these last several weeks, a friend reminded me of a very important perspective.  She reminded me that sometimes we get so focused on where we are, and on moving forward (or how far we have left to travel) that we forget about how far we've come.  (Gena, you're my hero right now).  This reminder has been in the back of my mind, but..as I mentioned the other day, sometimes relocating from the sad seats is a little difficult to do.  But I've been trying.  I've been trying really hard to stay positive, focused on the good, and still allow myself to be real and to be present in the moment.  I don't believe that being strong means you don't show pain or hurt.  Jesus hung on a cross, dying for us, and cried out to God, "..Why have you forsaken me?!"  But that didn't make Him weak.  It made him HUMAN.  He became like us, so that we could become like Him.  I say that to say that I've struggled to allow myself to be human.  I work hard to tell myself it's okay to be angry, sad, hurt.  God says be angry and don't sin.  He doesn't say to walk around trailing butterflies and rainbows.  I'm a candid person.  Pretending everything is peachy, when it isn't, has NEVER been my style.  But, beating myself up in my head for not being as strong as everyone else appears to be is the flip side of my forgiving attitude toward wearing my heart on my sleeve.  I say all of this, because through the sad days and through the days I am angry about everything related to the US domestic adoption industry, I'm growing.  I'm becoming more mature.  I've learned a lot about myself, about waiting, and about becoming the mother I want to be.  When I have these deep,strong feelings, I get to figure out how to take them to God, and keep my heart pure.  I get to figure out how I will help my child through these very similar feelings about his or her own world and troubles.  I'm grateful for these darker days because they make me stronger.  A different friend made the comment the other day that we are stronger where we've been broken.  I 100% believe that I will be a stronger mother, wife and woman when these sad days are over.  I'm being refined in fire right now, and God has not held back a single bit in showing me that He is still right by my side, just a far enough step ahead of me to lead the way, but close enough beside me to hold my hand.  It's been an amazing spiritual journey, one I will never forget.  Strength doesn't come from hiding our weaknesses.  Strength comes from enduring our trials despite those weaknesses.  I'm becoming stronger and I can feel every single bit of me growing, stretching, and becoming all God has designed me to be the moment He places my baby in my arms.  It's an amazing part of my life; it's a defining part of my life.

A year ago yesterday, we had our first home study visit.  It was awkward, a little invasive and I felt out of my element on more than one occasion.  But, we did it.  We survived that meeting (and the almost excruciating meeting after it!) and here we are, a year later, with such a huge testimony of who our God is, that I could probably write a book on His wonders in our lives this last year.  Part of our Update Packet that I've been working on includes a Home Study Update.  Aka...another awesomely awkward, invasive meeting with our local agency and social worker.  (Yippee!)  What's great about this update, is that I honestly had the thought, "
Iit's already been a year?!"  Cra-zy that I was surprised, right?  But, we started our paperwork last Summer on our anniversary.  I was looking back through my adoption binder (that is a very impressive 2 1/2" thick full of paperwork we've completed, and still growing...) and realized that one of our personal reference letters was written a year ago this week.  A YEAR AGO, our friends were writing their happiest blessings about us and coming alongside us on this journey by petitioning for Baby Lewis!!!  I feel so loved. We are blessed to have SEVEN friends close enough to our deepest thoughts and personal lives to have been able to write those letters that were necessary last Summer.  The forms and packets they received from us were a little on the demanding side.  But, every. single. person. was EXCITED for their own little mini packet of adoption paperwork and each one of them contacted me as soon as they received it, as soon as they opened it, and again as soon as they finished their "homework" and had it in the mail.  Our friends are amazing.  Ah-mazing.  You know who you are-you baby petitioning, Lewis loving wonderfulnesses, you!  Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you for supporting us!

We are praying for October baby.  Her birth mother will be looking at profiles on Monday (eek!!!)  I've had a slight change of pace in how I've been praying for this adoption.  Here's a glimpse of what God has been teaching me just this week:

When I pray, I usually ask God for His will to be done and to equip me for whatever that looks like.  I don't remember the last time I asked for something specific.  My school of thought has been (for awhile) that God knows best.  He has His plans.  Who am I to ask Him for something different than what He has ordained?  I don't want to ask for ANYTHING that would make things worse or ask for something He's willing to give me..but wasn't what He originally planned.  I don't want to mess things up!

But, lately, He has been leading me to the same passage of scripture over and over and over and over again.  I've read John 14 at least 8 times in the last few days.  God Has spoken a lot of amazing things to me since I've been reading this passage.  One of those things is this: "whatever you ask of me, in my name, I will give to you."  "I will go to the Father on your behalf and ask Him for you."  "Why wouldn't I give you what you ask of me?  You are my disciple." 

So...I'm asking.  I'm taking this step of faith and I'm asking for THIS baby.  Not "oh you know, whichever one you want, just please help me wait if I have to keep waiting."  Nope. Not anymore.  This moment, is about asking for what I want and asking God to provide for me what I've wanted since I was eight years old.  I'm asking Him for this October baby to be ours.  I'm asking Him to cover THIS VERY SPECIFIC birth mother with nothing but peace when she reads through our profile book.  I'm asking Him to give her WHATEVER it is she's hoping to find, feel, and connect with while choosing parents for her baby, and to give her all of that while reading through OUR profile book.  Will you join me?  Will you come alongside us, in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus and ask Him to "go to the Father" on our behalf and bless our family with this little girl?

I've been reminded this week of doing this very thing when I met my husband.  My parents had very strict rules about "boys" (and everything else in life, for that matter) while I was growing up.  When I liked a boy, I was pretty passive about it when it came to being in relationships or dealing with my parents on social issues.  However, when I met Adam, before I ever knew I would fall in love with him and marry him, I knew I wanted to be with him.  I knew "this is it, he's going to be worth it...no matter where it ends up" and so I fought for him.  I went up and down, forward and backward with my parents on dating rules, and curfews, and regulations and we came to an agreement on a standard for dating.  When Adam made that nerve racking phone call that started an exclusive relationship, just us...I was able to say yes to him with a clean heart.  It was invigorating!  Young love, infatuation, and the sense of feeling so free when you're with someone you can't wait to spend time with is a feeling I'm so happy I had the opportunity to experience so young! 

This is another time just. like. that.  This baby is worth it!  She's worth fighting for and I'm going to ask for her, and keep asking for her, and hope God follows through and allows me to fall in love with her forever-to raise her as my own and to be her Mommy.  This baby has a perfect place in our family.  We are ready to bring her home.  We are ready to guide her through every step of her life and love her with all that we are. 

Thank you for partnering with us.  We've only made it so far because of our strength from God, our faith in Him and our support from all of you.  I've made a lot of new friends this last month and talked to a LOT of new  people who have been following our story and investing their time and prayer into our lives.  Even if this is the first post you've read on our journey...I'm talking to you, too.  Thank you!  From the bottom of our hearts.

Blessings to all of our friends and family this weekend!

Happy Day

Today is a happy day.  No matter what.  I'm choosing to have a Happy Day.  It's a lonely section over in the sad bleacher seats.  People don't know what to say, or how to react...so a lot of them kinda disappear.  Some days moving out of the sad seats doesn't even seem possible.  But other days, like today, it does.

After deciding to sit down and tackle this surprise paperwork, I found an email from our agency with September's update. I'm always a little hesitant to open these and today was no different.  Every time I read one of these I feel older.  I feel the months of wait piling up on my shoulders while I hope that "one of these babies" will be mine.  

One thing I've realized lately is that I've spent the last 9 months hoping to be the exception.  And maybe that wasn't the best thing to hope for, but I made that decision with my eyes wide open.  Month after month.  We were told that the average wait time is a year.  Of course, that means that plenty of people DO wait less than a year.  I was hoping we would be one of them.  But...here we are nine months in and no baby.  We've had what seemed like one potential match and that was when the agency called AFTER the mom chose someone else, to say that there was concern about our one bedroom apartment.  Concern from a birth mother that her baby wouldn't have a bedroom.  Ugh.  We had moved already,  but our profile book didn't reflect that.  Now that our book has been updated...moms can rest easy, knowing their baby *will* have a bed to sleep in (There may be a little sarcasm in that last statement. Maybe).  Our book should arrive on our agent's desk this morning if it didn't arrive yesterday.  I'm waiting to hear back from her.

I'm getting ready to make a list of all paperwork, appointments, and finances needed for this unexpected "Packet III", as I'm calling it from now on.  The "Update" paperwork, that's *actually* a redo. I know the more I push through this "paper pregnancy" the more amazing the end picture will be.  Everything about this journey is worth the end result; the family I've pictured since I was eight years old.  It's all coming to pass.  One day at a time.  One form at a time.  

Our newsletter:
Since the August update, half of the birth parents working with LB decided to parent.  HALF.  This is a reality that has been sinking into my heart this last month.  If I went back and counted how many birth parents changed their minds, I'm sure the number would bring me to tears.  Tears full of anxiety and heart break.  So...I'm not counting.  I have full hope that God will bring our baby, who He designed FOR US, into our home.  But, that doesn't mean the road will be any smoother than it has been up to this point.  Nothing keeps us exempt from the heart break of a birth mother changing her mind.  Nothing.  All I can do is pray that God equips me with the strength to handle it should I experience this first hand.  And continue to pray for our Birth  Mother even now.  We've prayed since Day 1 that she will have full confidence and peace in her decision to make an adoption plan for her baby.  Please continue to stand alongside us in this prayer!

This month shows four new clients.  Four babies and 25 couples waiting for them.  Half of last months babies were due in January (a year mark for us).  Half of this month's babies are due January or later.  One is due next month.  NEXT MONTH!  Can you even imagine?  I would be on cloud 9 and never want to come back to earth.  But, I now have a tainted hope.  My hope is in God and the fact that He follows through with His word.  My hope is that my baby will arrive in God's time and I will be fully equipped for the season when it gets here.  And still, I hope that Motherhood is truly just around the corner for me...but I know that October isn't realistic.  I want to hold onto this baby and this potential.  And deep deep down...I am.  But on the surface, I'm telling myself not to get too excited about her.  But really, who am I kidding?  If you've known me for five seconds, you know I've already thought of names for this little girl and prayed over here and felt a teeny teeny tinge of relief that this waiting part of our journey *could* *possibly* all be over in a month.  (big sigh)

We shall see.  We always see.

Please continue to pray for our Birth Mother.  Pray that she has peace about the family she chooses to parent her child.  Pray that she and her baby's Birth Father are in agreement regarding placement.  Please pray for me as I grow weary and worn on this journey.  And pray for peace in our home during this stressful phase in our life.  We have our ups and downs.  We have felt so much support in all of this; it's amazing.  We have made it this far, with so much hope, because of all of you.  Because of each other.  And because of our faith in one true Almighty God who had the days ordained for us written in His book before either of us came to be.

We love our friends and family more than words can say.

The Blind Side

This is difficult. I feel like all I do lately is complain and say I'm hurting. Unfortunately, that's kind of where I am. And I keep telling myself that it's okay to express this.  I want to keep all of my emotions in the open for a couple reasons.  One reason is to keep negative emotions from growing roots in my heart. I don't want to become bitter or ignore the most painful parts of this whole experience just to have them resurface later in other forms. I've had my share of harbored bitterness in my life and I don't want to go down that road again.  That being said, here's where we are:

Because of our recent move, we need to update our home study with CSI, the local agency here in Nebraska. This is the agency that reported about our home life, cleanliness, amount of space, work life, family history, hobbies, and overall lifestyle. Luckily, this update will cost a fraction of the original report. 

We also need to update our profile book: our income has changed, my job status has changed, our home has changed. These are items important for birth mothers to know, so we've had to edit some pages in our book and then add a few more pages to further display our new home. 

We expected both updates mentioned. 

If we had not moved, this home study wouldn't need to he touched until January. 

I called our agency and asked about the timing of this update and here's what I learned: Updating now gives us another year of credibility with the agency. So...no home study required in January since we are doing an addendum now anyway. (With or without changes in our life-a January update would have been necessary because the report lasts a  year).

So, all of this sounds great. Our agent emailed the necessary forms so we wouldn't have to wait for paperwork in the mail after a holiday weekend.

Here's where it gets a little difficult. I opened my email, excited to press forward. I was shocked at what I found. Every necessary form was attached, with a note saying that I could still request a snail mailed packet if printing was an issue. "Why would printing be an issue?", I thought. Well, as I reviewed each form, I realized that this so called "Home Study Update" is actually more than it sounds. Attached to my email was every.single.form that I filled out last Summer. The only thing missing was a reference letter form to send to seven friends. Everything else has to be done again. Background checks, fingerprints, pastoral references, home visits (the only part we expected), annual exam forms, full blood panels, I can't even remember the rest. All of these documents need to be notarized. This whole process took us almost four months to complete last Summer. And no one bothered to tell us we should expect to do it all again this Summer. And then...there's  the *cost* of doing all of this again.   

We are frustrated. We are trusting God that this is still His plan for us. We are leaning on each other. 

A handful of friends have offered encouragement and we want you to know it means the world to us right now. Every random email or text message we receive through this blog or Facebook, and even personal messages help us carry on. Those who step out to say, "I've been following your story and you're in my prayers", know you're a blessing to us. Strangers have sent this message. Those sometimes touch me the most. They're friends of friends or members of like interest groups who stumble on our story and become part of our journey. All of this gives an amazing sense of community, support, and love. Thank you, every one of you who has played a part thus far.  Thank you for praying, for offering words of love and encouragement, and for stepping out to let us know who you are. We love and appreciate every single person invested in this baby, and in our family.  I can't wait to meet him or her, and tell our child of all the people who waited with us and loved us. 

Have a happy, family filled holiday!

Why Jenn Lee is Frieking Awesome

**This post is about breastfeeding.  The views written here are my own and I want to preface this post with the statement that I DO NOT hold judgement against mothers who do not parent the way I want to parent.  I support mothers who choose differently about feeding their babies.  The opinions in this post are not about anyone but me, my baby, and Jenn.  I don't feel the need to justify everything written below.  But, I want to at least preface it with only love toward all mothers about their own choices for their own children.**

I debated several things before deciding to post this information.  

There is a lot of controversy over breastfeeding.
I have made my stance clear.  I support breastfeeding.
I have a section on this blog dedicated to adoptive breastfeeding.  It's empty.

There are reasons it's empty and those reasons I've chosen to keep offline.

It's been almost a year since I started looking in to ways to breastfeed my adopted baby.  After ruling out adoptive breastfeeding, at least for now, I chose to see what else I could do.

We found out about Milk Bank milk.  It's collected from various women, pasteurized/processed and redistributed to families in need.  For $4 an ounce + $40.00 per shipment for overnight shipping on dry ice.  

Um...yeah...so, moving on...

Since we can't afford donor milk (could Britney Spears afford donor milk??), I had decided to research formula after an annoying-as-all-get-out-runaround conversation with our insurance company about milk not being a medication so I couldn't get a prescription in order for it to be covered because they only accept prescription for real medications. (grr) 

I did all kinds of reading about formulas and asked questions from people who still use it.  Do you know how hard it is to find people who use formula? (Yay!)  I chose the best I could and bought one container of it to put in my "Hotel" bin that's full of things we will need as soon as we need to hit the road to pick up our baby (!!!)

While the formula sat in that tub, I went back and forth about ways to do adoptive breastfeeding anyway.  I argued with myself about what is "okay", what is "safe", and what makes sense realistically.  And I just couldn't go back to it.  But I wasn't at peace with my formula decision either.  I wasn't at peace with any formula, knowing that there would be no breastfeeding.  This is a pretty big change from my opinions as a young nanny.  I've learned SO much about breastfeeding that I'm almost embarrassed of my old opinions.

A friend mentioned donor milk for private use.  This would involve finding someone online or through La Leche League who donates their breast milk for free.  FREE! 

I was squeemish about using milk from someone else.  But then I realized that's what I was looking into with Milk Bank milk.  The difference though, is good.  The difference...is that private donor milk would come straight from the breast.  No pasturizing, no processing.  Also, it would be milk from one source, not a whole bunch of milk thrown together (the all togetherness kind of makes me go "Ew" just a little bit).

So, I started searching after getting a few recommendations from a close friend (who has been EXTREMELY supportive and helpful about all of this).  And after finding two groups on facebook to follow and observe, I sat on the idea.

I sat
and sat
and sat
and sat
and I sat.

And then, one day, will sitting, I noticed a post on the Human Milk 4 Human Babies national group page.  Someone was asking donors how they choose their families because she needed to make the decision herself and was struggling.  I read it again and realized she isn't in my state.  Not an option for us.

But THEN, I thought it would interesting to know everyone's answers.  So, I scrolled through the multitude of comments and found a plethora of responses.  I don't remember any of them except the last one.  The last one made my world stand still.  The last comment was from a mom who said she wasn't currently donating, but would like to some day.  She hadn't found a family.  Then she said she was near Omaha, NE.  Shut.the.front.door.  She lives by me!  She lives by me and she wants to donate her breast milk to another family!  And she lives by me!  And!  And!

So I decided to message her on Facebook.  And then I messaged my breastfeeding encyclopedia/friend and then my adoption support 101/friend.  I took half a second to think, "this is...strange...right?  
What if she thinks I'm crazy?  
What if she's crazy?  
What if I don't try?"  

So I tried.  My hands were shaking and my heart was pounding out of my chest and I typed away on my teeny little iPhone.  I told her a very brief version of our story and asked if she was looking to donate fairly soon because we would LOVE to partner with her.

I waited.
and I waited
and I waited
and waited.

That same night she replied.  She was thrilled I contacted her and she was more than happy to donate to us!  She said she would start pumping extra THAT NIGHT and freezing it for us!  She said a million and one amazing, musical things!  And I cried.  My whole body shook and I cried and I thanked God for blessing me.  I thanked him for looking out for me and for taking care of something I hadn't really taken the time to ask for help with yet, because I was already asking for a baby and thought that was enough to ask for right now.  And then I emailed her back with gratitude and we chatted via fb message a few more times.  I texted my breastfeeding/encyclopedia friend and made my adoption 101/friend stop what she was doing, covered in paint, to tell her about Jenn's quick response.  And I told my husband (who tried very hard to understand why I was so emotional).  And then I read Jenn's messages about a thousand times to make sure they were still there and all this really happened.

We've become online friends and are working on a day to meet.  We will go over the safety-everything involved in sharing breast milk and then we will be real life friends.  As I type this I realize it may seem odd that I'm so excited so soon and (fill in this blank with a million and one things), but I know this is right.  I know it is.  So I'm going for it.

My baby has breast milk waiting for him or her.  I am so tremendously beyond blessed I don't know what to do with myself.  I think of Jenn and I smile because I just feel favored by God.  And I think of supplementing that milk with something else if needed and I don't feel a single burden about supplementing with the formula I chose awhile back.  Knowing that my hope of human milk for my baby is already a reality is amazing to me.  My baby has to be so so so so so very close!  Too much is "falling" into place for anything else to be true.

Thank you, Jenn.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart and with all that I am for being so very giving and wonderful.

*Shout outs to Sarah and Gena, too.  I wouldn't have made it this far without you!